Wednesday, July 27, 2011

As Seen on TV . . . can bite me!

So here’s something I thought would be family fun that was a complete disaster  - BEDAZZLING!
Ego (our middle child – and, by the way, if you don’t know why I call my children Superego, Ego and Id, it’s not because I’m a cruel, mean mommy – well, maybe it is because of that – but it’s also fully explained in my post on July 12 What do Freud and our Trifecta have in common?! – anyway, Ego wears nothing but sweatpants.  Every single day, even if it’s 95 degrees outside, she’s in sweatpants.
So, my bright idea was to Bedazzle her sweatpants so they weren’t just sweatpants, they were “Bedazzled” Sweatpants (can you hear the echo voice?!)
Here’s what I learned about As Seen on TV products that claim to “bedazzle” your clothes, keep your fruit fresh, and allegedly increase your bust size (I figure if I’m going to take on one of those products, might as well take on them all):
1)      You are better off giving your children some puffy paint and sequins and having them decorate their own pants than trying to figure out how to make a small button fasten onto some sweatpants only to have the buttons come off in the first washing and leave rust stains all over your daughter’s pants (she does still wear them, by the way – they’re sweatpants, she doesn’t give a crap what they look like)!  I spent a good 3 hours of my life that I will never get back trying to put Ego’s name on those pants only to have them come out looking like this . . .  and no, there is no coherent letter on these pants!  J

2)      Debbie can keep her damn Green Bags.  This is the second time I’ve fallen for this one.  As a good stay at home mommy, I’m trying to help my fruits and veggies stay fresher in the fridge by taking them out of their store containers and putting them into other containers.  This, by the way takes FOREVER!  Debbie promises that these bags will keep your produce fresher longer.  Here’s what she doesn’t tell you until the fine print inside the package
a.            You cannot wash the fruit before putting it in the bag because moisture will make the
fruit spoil.
b.            If moisture gets into the bag you must wipe it out with a paper towel.
This woman cannot be serious that I’m going to wipe out the bag everyday to make sure moisture stays out.  I would have been better off leaving my fruits out on the counter than take the time to put them in these bags and oh yes, wipe them out periodically.  Here’s what my strawberries looked liked after just a week.  And don’t get me started about what the raspberries looked like.

3)      And now for the bust enhancement.  Like every mom who has had the life sucked out of her breasts by three little munchkins, I’ve considered every way to enhance my sagging breasts without having to get implants.  So, one night I purchased Easy Curves.  In just 5 minutes a day my breasts were allegedly going to increase a cup size and become firmer.  When I purchased this item, my husband actually considered calling the law school we met at and asking them to revoke my degree.  Clearly I was not living up to the education for which we had paid tens of thousands of dollars!  I don’t actually have a photo of this item because I did finally donate it after having only used it 3 times and having come to the realization that this just wasn’t going to cut it (and I'm certainly not putting in a photo of my breasts - I'll save that for another day).  :-)   Here’s what I learned – there are two ways to get larger breasts – 1) Get pregnant; or 2) pay someone a handsome sum to put fake “fun bags” where your real ones used to be.  Since #1 is what got me here in the first place, that’s not an option, and as for #2 . . . I’m still debating.  Maybe that will be covered in another blog post.  What I do know is, I won’t be getting “easy” curves anytime soon!
Lesson for today – turn off the damn TV – or else it will turn you into a vegetable who pays three installments of $29.99 for Green Bags to preserve yourself.

No comments:

Post a Comment