Happiest f*#*(& place on earth . . .

. . . just got grumpier. . . oh, wait, I mean . . .

So this post was supposed to be completed in mid-March just following spring break.  Again, better late than never!  I figured now was a good time to post as we are all preparing for summer vacations!

For my niece's birthday the Trifecta and I traveled to Disneyland for a girls weekend.  In honor of the weekend I've decided to re-draft the Disneyland marketing materials to more accurately reflect how amazing the experience can be.  For your convenience, I have added information in italics that I think might get left off the brochure so want to make sure you have it.

1) Located in always sunny Southern California with plenty of time to work on your tan.  (Located in in the armpit of southern California where on a good day it feels like you are a mile from the sun.  Your outdoor wait times will be so long that you will put 2 applications of sunscreen on before arriving at the front of the line that happens to be INSIDE!)

We still can't believe we got my niece to copy her cousins like that!  

2) Luxury hotel room includes special access to resort attractions. (Pay through the nose for an "adequate" hotel room so that you and 5,000 of your closest friends can enjoy one extra hour of 10 minute lines rather than 45 minute lines.  All bets are off when 50,000 more of your closest friends show up 60 minutes later to crash your party.  Oh, and you MAY spend the first 15 minutes just getting to the first attraction, so you really only have 45 minutes.)

Don't let the cheshire grins fool you . . . the baby looks like we all feel, I was just able to bribe the other two!

3) Lots of entertainment for the whole family. (After a 45+ minute wait in the blazing sun with starving, sleep deprived children, you can enjoy 2 1/2 minutes of entertainment featuring cardboard cutouts).

If they could point those "blasters" at each other and have paint balls hit each other, they would have!

4) Beautiful Sunrises (If you do not get your @$& out of bed at 5:00am to be at the gates 1/2 hour before the 7am opening, you might as well sleep until 10pm because that's the next time you'll see a line shorter than 45 minutes).

5) Family Friendly environment (There is NO ALCOHOL within the entire park.  You have to schlep your @$& and all your belongings to "California Adventure" for adult beverages.)

At least we found a way to entertain the baby.

4) Accessible Restroom facilities (That can only be found by those who have been in the park many times and that were placed by an adult who can hold it and won't decide just as you are getting on the ride that it's an emergency).

5) Well-maintained, gorgeous pool. (That you can't swim in because every 45 minutes the pool has to be closed for an hour because some kid sh*t in the pool and we don't want to kill you with E-coli).

This was the closest we got to a picture of the pool.

6) A land full of Fantasy awaits children 6 and over.  (Our "Fantasyland" consists of rides highlighting absentee mothers, mothers who poison their children, man eating whales, Toad's that go KaBOOOM, a queen who screams when her flowers are not the right color and pirates who make little girls walk the plank - such images are best enjoyed by children who are no longer afraid of Monsters under the bed - but, if they'd like to know what happens to those monsters, we have a ride for that too, but you'll have to "hop" over to our other park).

I'm not exactly sure what possessed me to go to Disneyland by myself with three children, one of whom is a "runner" and impossible to locate in our own house.  The first hour of each day (otherwise known as Magic Hour), we did have a great time, so I can't complain too much.

BUT, if you ever feel the inclination to do this to YOURSELF, maybe the following lessons can assist you:

1) The Disneyland Touring Plans App is a must.  You can sign up here.  Just be sure you DO NOT give in to your child and believe that the lines won't be what the app says they will if you don't follow their suggested plans.  These people have the lines down to a science and you should trust them!

2) DO NOT leave your 10 year-old child in charge of one of your bags while you run after her sister.  For if you do, you may come back to find that your bag has been quarantined by security and you have to wait 10 minutes for security to search and clear your bag - that is full of clothes and sunscreen.  This my friends, was a mother of the year moment.  I ask the Superego where our bag is and she says "over there".  As I look over, a Disney "Cast Member" is standing by the bag that is now surrounded by stanchions and rope.  She would not let me touch the bag until security could arrive.  Mother of the year moment, right there!  Of course, on a serious note, I wrote this (and was supposed to post) before Boston.  Now, I'm grateful for the proactive approach of the Disney cast members, and am reminded that even when we enter a world of Fantasy, we can't escape our post 9/11 reality.

3) Fantasyland is the only place in the park that you cannot Fast Pass any of the rides.  Go there first thing and get it out of the way before the little ones who actually belong there wake up and make it from the entrance gate.

4) Park Hopper tickets are a rip-off.  The only person who can "hop" that far that fast is the Easter bunny on Speed!  More than once I've been duped into buying the park hopper ticket only to find out that I can barely finish one park in a day to say nothing of two of them, especially with small kids.

5) World of Color at California Adventure is a must see.  BUT, if they tell you that you are in the "wet zone", you MUST wear a rain coat.  Otherwise, you will spend the entire time ducking and praying that the water show ends soon.

Of course, none of this will deter us from visiting again, but next time it will be on a weekday in the middle of winter!!!

The Id has had enough of mommy's constant pictures!

On the road again . . .

So I’ve been at this mom thing for over a decade now, and for all that time I’ve been traveling with children.  And yes, I need my head examined.  You really think I would have learned a few things by now and that I would be much better prepared.  So when we left for memorial day and the kids said they had packed their carry-on backpacks with all the entertainment they could need, I really should have double checked what that meant.

Here’s what I learned about getting lazy about vacationing with your kids:

Up to our eyeballs in Alligators

We decided to take full advantage of all that southern Florida has to offer, so yesterday’s family fun was a trip to the Everglades for an airboat tour and some gator hunting.  Then, it was out to the beach for a bike ride and some Mexican food.

Here’s what we learned about floating above the gators, east coast beach living and why we should stick to Conch fritters and lobster bisque in Florida:

Two words . . . De-Tox!

Oh, I guess that’s only one word. . .  We have not yet finished our two week vacation, but I’m quite certain I’ve become an alcoholic.  I started my vacation with Sex on the Beach, and just yesterday had a Brazilian Hottie in Ft. Lauderdale.  And they were goooooooood.  Oh, wait, my mother-in-law reads this . . . My husband said he thinks I've had more mixed drinks in the last two weeks than he's ever seen me have.  He's right.  I just like saying the names of them!  :-)  I’ve also gained 10 pounds from eating two desserts a day and all the food I lay my eyes on.  It’s gonna take some serious triathlon training to get me back in shape.

We’ve almost survived 16 suitcases, 14 days, 5 Dugdales, and 1 mommy who’s sitting by a pool in Ft. Lauderdale wondering when the drink cart will pass by.  We’re at a Best Western, so I’m not sure they have those, but the liquor store next door might just do the trick.

We’ve had a tremendous trip that began in the happiest place on earth and then took us swimming with Stingrays in Cozumel, ziplining the rainforest in Costa Rica and traveling by boat through the Panama Canal.  We also had 2-3 hours a day when we had free babysitting on the Cruise ship, so we really can’t complain . . . but, this is my blog, and if I’m being perfectly honest (which I, of course, always am) . . .  24/7 with three children in an area the size of a walk in closet is a recipe for putting yourself into a looney bin. 

Yes, the Superego has the Ego in a headlock!

Currently the children are all on beach chairs that are 15 feet apart because the moment they get within a foot of each other it becomes the WWWF – Ft. Lauderdale.  I think there was actual smoke coming out of my ears when they decided to pick the flowers on nearby plants and throw them into the pool.  If there weren’t other people in the pool area, I may have actually thrown the children in with those flowers.

Needless to say, I’m looking forward to getting back to the insanity that is my normal life; but in the meantime, and for your enjoyment, here are a few things I learned about Family Fun – Holiday Torture, I mean Travel, style: