Friday, May 17, 2013

Happiest f*#*(& place on earth . . .

. . . just got grumpier. . . oh, wait, I mean . . .

So this post was supposed to be completed in mid-March just following spring break.  Again, better late than never!  I figured now was a good time to post as we are all preparing for summer vacations!

For my niece's birthday the Trifecta and I traveled to Disneyland for a girls weekend.  In honor of the weekend I've decided to re-draft the Disneyland marketing materials to more accurately reflect how amazing the experience can be.  For your convenience, I have added information in italics that I think might get left off the brochure so want to make sure you have it.

1) Located in always sunny Southern California with plenty of time to work on your tan.  (Located in in the armpit of southern California where on a good day it feels like you are a mile from the sun.  Your outdoor wait times will be so long that you will put 2 applications of sunscreen on before arriving at the front of the line that happens to be INSIDE!)

We still can't believe we got my niece to copy her cousins like that!  

2) Luxury hotel room includes special access to resort attractions. (Pay through the nose for an "adequate" hotel room so that you and 5,000 of your closest friends can enjoy one extra hour of 10 minute lines rather than 45 minute lines.  All bets are off when 50,000 more of your closest friends show up 60 minutes later to crash your party.  Oh, and you MAY spend the first 15 minutes just getting to the first attraction, so you really only have 45 minutes.)

Don't let the cheshire grins fool you . . . the baby looks like we all feel, I was just able to bribe the other two!

3) Lots of entertainment for the whole family. (After a 45+ minute wait in the blazing sun with starving, sleep deprived children, you can enjoy 2 1/2 minutes of entertainment featuring cardboard cutouts).

If they could point those "blasters" at each other and have paint balls hit each other, they would have!

4) Beautiful Sunrises (If you do not get your @$& out of bed at 5:00am to be at the gates 1/2 hour before the 7am opening, you might as well sleep until 10pm because that's the next time you'll see a line shorter than 45 minutes).

5) Family Friendly environment (There is NO ALCOHOL within the entire park.  You have to schlep your @$& and all your belongings to "California Adventure" for adult beverages.)

At least we found a way to entertain the baby.
4) Accessible Restroom facilities (That can only be found by those who have been in the park many times and that were placed by an adult who can hold it and won't decide just as you are getting on the ride that it's an emergency).

5) Well-maintained, gorgeous pool. (That you can't swim in because every 45 minutes the pool has to be closed for an hour because some kid sh*t in the pool and we don't want to kill you with E-coli).

This was the closest we got to a picture of the pool.
6) A land full of Fantasy awaits children 6 and over.  (Our "Fantasyland" consists of rides highlighting absentee mothers, mothers who poison their children, man eating whales, Toad's that go KaBOOOM, a queen who screams when her flowers are not the right color and pirates who make little girls walk the plank - such images are best enjoyed by children who are no longer afraid of Monsters under the bed - but, if they'd like to know what happens to those monsters, we have a ride for that too, but you'll have to "hop" over to our other park).

I'm not exactly sure what possessed me to go to Disneyland by myself with three children, one of whom is a "runner" and impossible to locate in our own house.  The first hour of each day (otherwise known as Magic Hour), we did have a great time, so I can't complain too much.

BUT, if you ever feel the inclination to do this to YOURSELF, maybe the following lessons can assist you:

1) The Disneyland Touring Plans App is a must.  You can sign up here.  Just be sure you DO NOT give in to your child and believe that the lines won't be what the app says they will if you don't follow their suggested plans.  These people have the lines down to a science and you should trust them!

2) DO NOT leave your 10 year-old child in charge of one of your bags while you run after her sister.  For if you do, you may come back to find that your bag has been quarantined by security and you have to wait 10 minutes for security to search and clear your bag - that is full of clothes and sunscreen.  This my friends, was a mother of the year moment.  I ask the Superego where our bag is and she says "over there".  As I look over, a Disney "Cast Member" is standing by the bag that is now surrounded by stanchions and rope.  She would not let me touch the bag until security could arrive.  Mother of the year moment, right there!  Of course, on a serious note, I wrote this (and was supposed to post) before Boston.  Now, I'm grateful for the proactive approach of the Disney cast members, and am reminded that even when we enter a world of Fantasy, we can't escape our post 9/11 reality.

3) Fantasyland is the only place in the park that you cannot Fast Pass any of the rides.  Go there first thing and get it out of the way before the little ones who actually belong there wake up and make it from the entrance gate.

4) Park Hopper tickets are a rip-off.  The only person who can "hop" that far that fast is the Easter bunny on Speed!  More than once I've been duped into buying the park hopper ticket only to find out that I can barely finish one park in a day to say nothing of two of them, especially with small kids.

5) World of Color at California Adventure is a must see.  BUT, if they tell you that you are in the "wet zone", you MUST wear a rain coat.  Otherwise, you will spend the entire time ducking and praying that the water show ends soon.

Of course, none of this will deter us from visiting again, but next time it will be on a weekday in the middle of winter!!!

The Id has had enough of mommy's constant pictures!


  1. LOVE this! We are huge Disney fans from way back, but, you have encapsulated all my thoughts. Love how one of your kids is "a runner"! Yikes!
    From a San Diego native who knows, ALWAYS pull your kids out of school to visit the Happiest Place on Earth and make sure you do not go in the summer, spring break or holiday break. Tues and Wed are the BEST days to go for shorter lines Sept - Nov or Jan - May recommended for that mid week trek.

  2. Heather, You ROCK! Love this post and your spin on things. We will be using the touring plans app as we are headed there for Memorial Day weekend.....not sure we will survive BUT, that IS what Disney is all about! Thanks, my friend!