Happiest f*#*(& place on earth . . .

. . . just got grumpier. . . oh, wait, I mean . . .

So this post was supposed to be completed in mid-March just following spring break.  Again, better late than never!  I figured now was a good time to post as we are all preparing for summer vacations!

For my niece's birthday the Trifecta and I traveled to Disneyland for a girls weekend.  In honor of the weekend I've decided to re-draft the Disneyland marketing materials to more accurately reflect how amazing the experience can be.  For your convenience, I have added information in italics that I think might get left off the brochure so want to make sure you have it.

1) Located in always sunny Southern California with plenty of time to work on your tan.  (Located in in the armpit of southern California where on a good day it feels like you are a mile from the sun.  Your outdoor wait times will be so long that you will put 2 applications of sunscreen on before arriving at the front of the line that happens to be INSIDE!)

We still can't believe we got my niece to copy her cousins like that!  

2) Luxury hotel room includes special access to resort attractions. (Pay through the nose for an "adequate" hotel room so that you and 5,000 of your closest friends can enjoy one extra hour of 10 minute lines rather than 45 minute lines.  All bets are off when 50,000 more of your closest friends show up 60 minutes later to crash your party.  Oh, and you MAY spend the first 15 minutes just getting to the first attraction, so you really only have 45 minutes.)

Don't let the cheshire grins fool you . . . the baby looks like we all feel, I was just able to bribe the other two!

3) Lots of entertainment for the whole family. (After a 45+ minute wait in the blazing sun with starving, sleep deprived children, you can enjoy 2 1/2 minutes of entertainment featuring cardboard cutouts).

If they could point those "blasters" at each other and have paint balls hit each other, they would have!

4) Beautiful Sunrises (If you do not get your @$& out of bed at 5:00am to be at the gates 1/2 hour before the 7am opening, you might as well sleep until 10pm because that's the next time you'll see a line shorter than 45 minutes).

5) Family Friendly environment (There is NO ALCOHOL within the entire park.  You have to schlep your @$& and all your belongings to "California Adventure" for adult beverages.)

At least we found a way to entertain the baby.

4) Accessible Restroom facilities (That can only be found by those who have been in the park many times and that were placed by an adult who can hold it and won't decide just as you are getting on the ride that it's an emergency).

5) Well-maintained, gorgeous pool. (That you can't swim in because every 45 minutes the pool has to be closed for an hour because some kid sh*t in the pool and we don't want to kill you with E-coli).

This was the closest we got to a picture of the pool.

6) A land full of Fantasy awaits children 6 and over.  (Our "Fantasyland" consists of rides highlighting absentee mothers, mothers who poison their children, man eating whales, Toad's that go KaBOOOM, a queen who screams when her flowers are not the right color and pirates who make little girls walk the plank - such images are best enjoyed by children who are no longer afraid of Monsters under the bed - but, if they'd like to know what happens to those monsters, we have a ride for that too, but you'll have to "hop" over to our other park).

I'm not exactly sure what possessed me to go to Disneyland by myself with three children, one of whom is a "runner" and impossible to locate in our own house.  The first hour of each day (otherwise known as Magic Hour), we did have a great time, so I can't complain too much.

BUT, if you ever feel the inclination to do this to YOURSELF, maybe the following lessons can assist you:

1) The Disneyland Touring Plans App is a must.  You can sign up here.  Just be sure you DO NOT give in to your child and believe that the lines won't be what the app says they will if you don't follow their suggested plans.  These people have the lines down to a science and you should trust them!

2) DO NOT leave your 10 year-old child in charge of one of your bags while you run after her sister.  For if you do, you may come back to find that your bag has been quarantined by security and you have to wait 10 minutes for security to search and clear your bag - that is full of clothes and sunscreen.  This my friends, was a mother of the year moment.  I ask the Superego where our bag is and she says "over there".  As I look over, a Disney "Cast Member" is standing by the bag that is now surrounded by stanchions and rope.  She would not let me touch the bag until security could arrive.  Mother of the year moment, right there!  Of course, on a serious note, I wrote this (and was supposed to post) before Boston.  Now, I'm grateful for the proactive approach of the Disney cast members, and am reminded that even when we enter a world of Fantasy, we can't escape our post 9/11 reality.

3) Fantasyland is the only place in the park that you cannot Fast Pass any of the rides.  Go there first thing and get it out of the way before the little ones who actually belong there wake up and make it from the entrance gate.

4) Park Hopper tickets are a rip-off.  The only person who can "hop" that far that fast is the Easter bunny on Speed!  More than once I've been duped into buying the park hopper ticket only to find out that I can barely finish one park in a day to say nothing of two of them, especially with small kids.

5) World of Color at California Adventure is a must see.  BUT, if they tell you that you are in the "wet zone", you MUST wear a rain coat.  Otherwise, you will spend the entire time ducking and praying that the water show ends soon.

Of course, none of this will deter us from visiting again, but next time it will be on a weekday in the middle of winter!!!

The Id has had enough of mommy's constant pictures!

Mommy is best at . . .

. . . “yelling!”  Love, the Id.

Is what was contained in the card the Id (the baby) gave mommy for Mother’s Day.  

After yelling a few choice words in my head, and pulling the knife out of my heart, I pulled a classic mommy move . . . I said sweetly “thanks so much”, turned around and left the room to pour myself a drink.

As I reflect on mother’s day (or as I like to refer to it, the holiday from hell where all mommies are set up to think that their children will somehow have a lobotomy and will avoid fighting, kicking, screaming and reminding mommy why it is that she needs cocktail hour), here’s what I’ve learned about Karma:

Always more time for foolin' the kids . . . and margaritas!

What happens when . . .

1) The Easter Bunny comes waaaaaay too early;

2) You have a mommy who takes sick joy out of “foolin” her children and their friends; and

3) There is an international holiday centered around margaritas?!

. . . you get a Fools Eggscinco Hunt!!

Mommy decided that she still wanted to have her spring egg hunt, but couldn’t get her sh*t together fast enough to do it before Easter, so she decided to have it 3 weeks later and make it an April Fools, Cinco de Mayo Spring Egg Hunt.  

Here’s what we all learned when the children and Husband from Heaven let mommy’s creativity run wild:

Ain't no foolin . . .

. . . it was a baaaaaaad stay at home mommy day, and I kept wondering when someone was going to jump out of the closet and yell "April Fools"!

The rain stopped me from doing my run in the morning, a strep throat false alarm hijacked my mid-morning and afternoon, and my poor coughing child hijacked my evening.

I did, of course, find time to f*&# with the children though!  I still haven't figured out why none of them get me back.  It must be fear of retribution.  Of course, the Superego (oldest) spent the better part of her strep throat false alarm trying to figure out ways to mess with her sisters and her dad.  That should have been my first clue that she was a big faker.  But, she came up with some clever tricks that I may have to use again.

Here's what I learned about messing with your kids on April Fool's Day:

I cannot tell a lie . . .

. . . mommy got a tattoo.  I thought it only fitting that near Washington's birthday I should share just how far my cherry obsession has gone.

Of course, I realize that MY mommy’s mouth just fell on the floor.  Not quite sure about Husband from Heaven’s mommy, but I’m pretty sure a tattoo parlor was not exactly where she would envision her son spending Valentines Day with his wife.

So yes, I’ve taken my cherry obsession to the next level and here’s what I’ve learned

My teeth are shrinking . . .

. . . from all that f*&#ing valentines day candy you are eating.  Oh, no, that’s not what I said to the Id (the baby) today.  No, today she decided that she couldn’t do her chores because . . . and I quote “my teeth are shrinking”.  We can’t figure out if this is because her teeth hurt because she has a bacterial infection in them because her parents don’t adequately supervise the nighttime teeth brushing routine, or if this is one of those “I can’t do my chores because it takes away my smiles” moments.  Either way, Husband from Heaven couldn’t help himself but laugh out loud and make her repeat it to me.

On the valentines day candy note, we had our first annual Runamuk Manor Valentines making tea party yesterday. 

Here’s what I learned:

Abracadabra . . .

. . . POOF, you’re SECOND child is now one year shy of being a decade old too! (Warning . . . the following contains more cuss words than usual.  Mommy's not really sure why.  Maybe it's been building up.  She did drink 4 days this week).

WTF?! . . .when did my kids get so old?!  And, why have I not learned to stop asking the Ego (the middle child) what theme she wants for her birthday party?!  Last year it was Tom and Jerry.  Seriously, a cartoon that hasn’t seen primetime since I was in the third grade?!  This year it was Wizards of Waverly Place.  At least this year was a bit more mainstream, but girlfriend pushed my creativity limits because apparently no one does these kinds of parties.  Just ask Party City or Oriental Trading! 

First she asked to go to Medieval Times.  So instead of NOT cleaning my house,  NOT planning one single moment of the party, and sitting back and enjoying some good old fashioned entertainment. I had the brilliant idea that I would talk her into not just a party, but a sleepover!  I have GOT to stop drinking so much.

So, mommy just made sh*t up, as she’s been known to do.  At the very bottom of the post is a list of the things I did along with the spells/rhymes to go along with them.  Unless you plan on pulling a rabbit out of your @$& . . . I mean, hosting a Wizards of Waverly Place party, you can stop reading after lesson #4!

Here’s what mommy learned about magically bringing your child’s birthday wishes come true (and pulling a few surprises out of her @$&):