Today I've got two lists:
1) 5 signs that it might be time to re-evaluate your holiday traditions AND
2) You might be Santa if . . .
Signs that it might be time to re-evaluate your holiday traditions
1) You decide that it would be a good idea to take three children under the age of 10 to the 11pm Christmas Eve Episcopalian mass. When you only see 5 cars in the parking lot, you can be guaranteed that there will be no one f*#&ing dumb enough to take children to mass at that time, and therefore, everyone will hear your children coloring their Hello Kitty notepads and fighting over the crayons because you were also dumb enough to think they could share! We lasted 3 hymns before we decided we had put enough Christ in Christmas and it was time to accept defeat at the hands of 3 Hell raisers.
|DO NOT let these sweet little Christmas faces deceive you!
2) Your Christmas Eve pajamas that were ordered ONLINE came with a security tag on them that you can't remove. R U f*#(ing kidding me?! Those things probably fell off the back of a truck and were sold by some guy who has an online business out of his basement that he calls Hot Tropic and we mistook it for Hot Topic! Shout out to the Nana and Auntie Ju Ju for giving it their best shot. D@mn Hot Topic for being incompetent and a pain in the @$&!
3) You drive 10 hours to what should be a winter wonderland, and instead of being able to put your kids outside the front door to play in the snow you have to drive 15 minutes and park on the side of the road where your husband drives further into the woods than necessary just to be able to test out his 4 wheel drive; and after all that your 5 year old informs you 10 minutes in that she has just pee'd her pants. Was it inappropriate that I laughed and said "are you sh*ting me?" I owed her a dollar for cussing and now I have to wash her ski pants that she can't even use to ski!!! Mother of the year, right here!
|The only snow the Rig has seen!
4) You have to read The Night before Christmas from an iPad because you forgot to pack the book.
5) You try to make a snowman, but the snow is so sugary that you give up and have a laid back snowman; 10 minutes later you go to the beach and make a sandman. Sometimes you just gotta go with it!
|What's different about our clothes?!
You might be Santa if . . .
1) If you've ever found yourself awake at 2am putting together a gift that you thought would be sooooo easy . . . you might be Santa.
|Stuffing a Funship Freddy doll (Carnival's mascot)! And yes, I brought the stuffing all the way from San Diego. I'm an idiot!
3) If you've ever had an elf sized person wake you up during that nap because it was urgent that you open BOTH of her new barbie dolls that were wrapped in f*#&ing titanium wrappers and had 17 zip ties holding the Barbies in place . . . you might be Santa.
4) If you've ever realized at 2am on Christmas Eve (or, shall we say Christmas Morning) that you only have a tube of lip balm for your husband's stocking . . . you might be Santa (thank God for the Nana who saved Santa's @$& on that one!)
Favorite Christmas Quote -
"Mommy, Santa knew I would be at this party and wrote my name and age on this candy cane because he has elves everywhere." - The Id, age 5