Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Holiday confessions from a foul mouthed mommy!

My children (led by my sassy 9 year old) informed me this week that I now owe them $1 for every time I cuss.  Within 4 days I will have paid for their college tuition.  Even Husband from Heaven said to me “we should make that our vacation fund, we’ll have that collected in no time”.  Smart@ss!
Below are my holiday lessons that highlight my tremendous parenting skills (oh, and a random holiday decorating tip at the end):
1)      DO NOT send your sex crazed 5 year old on a junket with her Daisy troop to do caroling in the neighborhood.  If you do she may say to you “mommy, I had so much fun, and at the last house there was a very handsome boy who answered the door”.  Are you f*#%ing kidding me?!  I’m putting her on the pill in the hopes that it will keep her hormones at bay.  Oh, and by the way, the $1 rule doesn’t apply to the blog because the children don’t yet read it.

See, she even flirts with peacocks!

2)      At some point during your holiday errands while you’re listening to Lady Gaga Holiday radio your 4th grader MAY say something like this “Mommy, I know that sex means smooch smooch (she made the kissing sound), but I found out today that it also means our gender.”  When this happens, make sure that your child cannot see the sheer panic on your face when she mentions that she actually knows what sex means.  I could have sworn we were in for “the talk”, and you could see the panic on my face.  I’m not ready!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Sh*t!

3)      When you are panicking because you cannot figure out how to put together tasteful table décor for a charity event you are planning, DO NOT call your friend to help you while you are in the presence of your middle child.  You will end up getting charged $3 for cussing during that 2 ½ minute conversation.  Sh*t again!  Here's an example of what NOT to do with holiday decor:

My friend had to inform me that if I went with this design my candle would blow out or cause a fire hazard.

Quick holiday decorating tip – white candle, cranberries and a hurricane vase (make sure the vase is taller than the candle).  Classy, simple, cheap.  Thank you so much to my friend Susan for answering all my SOS calls.  I SUCK at decorating and Susan answered countless calls.  So, I’ll give her a quick plug – It’s Susan Wintersteen, at  She's amazing!  She's also helping me decorate my Cherries Jubilee table for tomorrow's Girls Night Out.  I know you can't wait to hear how that turns out!

No comments:

Post a Comment