Friday, December 9, 2011

Holiday traditions . . . aren't really meant for 5 year-olds!

Ok, so I know that all of you were hoping that I would write about Girls Night Out and Cherries Jubilee.  Never fear, it will be coming, but it’s going to have to wait.  I gave my camera to Nana for the night so she could take family fun pictures while they babysit the kids, and like a moron I didn’t  download the photos first (hopefully she doesn’t get curious and download them herself, there’s some top secret stuff on there). 
Before I jump into my “lessons learned” for today, I want to give a shameless plug for one of my amazing clients.  On Saturday, December 10th (that’s tomorrow), the San Diego Children’s Discovery Museum will have their brand new facility open to the public for free from 11am-4pm.  There will be an old fashioned “tricked-out” fire truck, snow on the building and all the exhibits that children can explore.  This is an amazing new facility you should check out before they officially open next Tuesday.  Also, keep it in mind for Winter Break.  You can check it out at
Ok, back to today’s post.  Instead of revealing all about Girls Night Out, I’m going to share what I learned about decorating for the holidays when you have absolutely no business doing so, and perpetuating holiday traditions that were invented before television and when the fashion trends were powdered wigs and brothels.  Oh, wait, that’s a Lady Gaga TV Special. 
1)      If you ever want to give yourself a reason to drink during the day, please sign up to be a chaperone on the Nutcracker field trip with your child’s kindergarten class.  Every one of those parents in there was thinking the same thing I was . . . “this is going to be the shortened version, right, there’s no way they would do the WHOLE two hour Nutcracker for these 5 year-old children”.  I am here to tell you my friends that they did the WHOLE F*#)ING Nutcracker.  When the Id said to me 20 minutes in “do you pinky swear there’s a nutcracker in this, because I don’t believe you”, I knew we were in trouble.  I never realized that there’s TWENTY F*#)ING MINUTES before they even introduce the main character!  Lets just say that by the 15th time the Id laid down in her seat and exposed her panties to the audience, I gave up telling her to sit like a lady.  Pants might be a good idea next time.

2)      When you decide to decorate for anything, JUST DON’T.  Pay someone else to do it!  Otherwise, you may end up with 6 extra bags of cranberries in your fridge, and 34 pie plates.  When I went to my event on Wednesday that had my hurricane candles and cranberries, (which, by the way, looked gorgeous), I left SIX BAGS of cranberries in the fridge, so I had to make a last minute stop to pick up more at the nearest grocery store 30 minutes before the event started.  SH*T!  

As for the pie plates, TWICE I bought the wrong kind.  I tried my hardest to follow Susan’s directions, but I really shouldn’t be let loose to decide what to pick out. 
Chicken Pot Pie size pie plates = $12 (I don’t even think I told her about these ones for fear that she would stop taking my calls)
Disposable Pie Plates = 3 for $1 at .99 store = $4.35

Correct non-disposable Pie Plates at Dollar Tree = $10

Offering these pie plates to your friends because they’re too much of a pain in the @$& to return = PRICELESS. 

Any takers?! 

(Husband from Heaven just revoked  my shopping privileges and would like you all to know that I am making offers I’m not authorized to make – he will be returning the pie plates for a refund).
Recommendations for today –
Do not be fooled by a holiday tradition field trip that might make you feel all holiday warm and fuzzy inside, and therefore you decide to take off work and shuffle your schedule to spend the day with your child.  Let the other suckers take this one!
Come to my house for some cranberry pie that you can take home to the family – no need to return the pie tin.  Starting tomorrow I’m doing the 12 days of cranberries to show you all the things you can do with cranberries for the holidays!  I have to get rid of these f*#)ing things somehow.  At least I know we will have very good urinary tract health in our house.  (I just crossed the line, didn’t I?!)
And finally, as promised, Melinda, I know you’re out there reading this.  I am going to publicly harass you until you go live with that blog of yours!  When Melinda comes out of hiding, I’m going to be the first to publicize her new blog.  You all will have to wait and find out what it is, but if you were at my table last night, Melinda was one of my guests and I think all of you need to post on your FB pages the following message “Melinda, we can’t wait for your blog, it’s going to be amazing”!  J

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