So today I stepped on a piece of glass in my pantry, and it got me thinking – when you live in a glass house, if you’re not careful, it can end in bloody feet. This thought process may have also been because the droplets of blood that came out of my foot made me lightheaded and prone to crazy thoughts. It was either that, or homework time with three children and not having any f*#&ing idea how to complete this math problem – “Write an equation where 64 is the product of a prime number”. I actually had to Google this question to get any semblance of an answer. At what point can I tell my 4th grader she’s not going to need to know that so long as she marries well?!
Here’s what I learned today about being a momma and judging other mommas and their kids:
1) If you are that mom who every morning takes your double wide jogging stroller and runs down the street because you are ALWAYS LATE for school, do NOT yell at one of the moms you almost hit to “GET OFF YOUR PHONE”. This morning as I was walking back home after drop off and I was looking at my phone; I saw this woman come running toward me and she and her double wide stroller were so big that she caused me to have to get off the sidewalk in order to avoid her and she yelled at me because even though I saw her, I clearly didn’t get out of the way fast enough, and that was MY fault. Can I leave my phone at home, sure – can this woman get her sh*t together 5 minutes sooner every day so that she’s not late and doesn’t have to run her @$& off down the street and run over and yell at strangers?! I don’t think that’s too much to ask. Glass houses my friend!
2) When your kid is the one where the teacher sends you a “Dear Mrs. Insert your name here” note and proceeds to tell you about how terribly your child behaved that day, rest assured, all the other moms are definitely judging you. Take it from me, none of you will admit it to my face, but when I admitted the lice problem, you had questions about my mothering skills. Here’s the thing . . . there’s no manual for how to do this and you’re doing the best you can. Every kid is going to be THAT kid at some point, and all those moms are definitely judging you. Maybe not today, but someday every kid gets there. For those of us whose “THAT” kid is creating heartburn in elementary school, let’s just be grateful they’re getting it out of their system early-hopefully! And for all of us mommies who are judging our friends, neighbors, and complete strangers who barrel down the street every morning, remind ourselves that they’re probably just barely makin’ it that day, so a smile could go a long way. Plus, you can always say f*#& you under your breath, or better yet, call your girlfriends and b*#ch about THAT kid and his/her mom later.
3) When your 4th grader tells you that she’ll just wait until her father gets home to complete her math homework because HE can help her, you should secretly google the question so as to come up with the answer and then find some clever way to all of a sudden know what the hell you’re talking about. I have a post graduate education, and 4th grade math still eludes me. That, and homophones. Yep, her father would know these answers – I have absolutely no earthly idea. But here’s the thing, I was smart enough to get an education to marry her father so that he could support me and the lifestyle I have become accustomed to. And if you believe that, I’ve got a glass house to sell you . . .