Monday, September 9, 2013

I called the witch doctor . . .

. . . she told me what to do (and because of it I don’t have headaches, cystic acne, breast pain, and on and on)!

So I know I’m backtracking a bit, but I never did fully explain what happened during my emergency room visit this summer and last week after receiving a $15,000 insurance bill (of which we had to pay $700 - thank God for insurance), even Husband from Heaven had to admit that my acupuncturist was a bargain.  

As most people who know me are aware, for several years I have not only visited an acupuncturist, I have recently started using DoTerra essential oils to treat everything from mildew to warts to fevers.

HfH still believes I’m crazy, but as we all know, he’s pretty patient in putting up with my shenanigans, including the time I threw away everything in our pantry after learning of my gluten intolerance.  That experience will have to wait for another day because today I thought I would share ways to torture your husband with "voodoo" theories (and better yet, prove you're right - which, of course, ALWAYS happens in our house-I'm pretty sure HfH is going to pull out a voodoo doll of me right about now):
1)   When the doctor tells you to NEVER take ibuprofen and to avoid the dye they use for CT scans, your first thought should not be “well hell, what do I do for my next hangover?!"

BTW, a "Red Eye" from the movie Cocktail would have tasted better than that CT scan dye!!

Through a CT scan I found out that I was “backed up” all the way to my small intestine.  I ALSO (and more importantly) learned I have an atrophied kidney that has been that way for some time and therefore I have only one properly functioning kidney.  As a result, I should take Ibuprofen only if absolutely necessary and I should avoid as much as possible the dye they use for CT scans.   Is anyone else troubled by the fact that "butt for" backing up my system (and yes, I meant with two t's) I never would have known this and would have taken ibuprofen without any clue of the side effects.  And, is anyone else troubled by the fact that if you have two kidneys it’s ok, but one it’s not?!  WTF happens to you when you take ibuprofen is what I’d like to know!!!  Well, against my nature, I actually did a little research and here is an easy to understand explanation I found.  

      2)   If you have an allergy or intolerance, you lose quite a bit of credibility when you don’t read the labels on food you buy.  D@MNIT! 

About two days after my emergency room visit I was reading the label on the organic bread I was eating.  I read it 4 times because I realized and couldn’t believe that for two weeks I had been inadvertently eating regular wheat bread rather than gluten free bread (gotta be more careful when shopping in the “gluten free” freezer section at the grocery store – and SHAME ON THEM for putting it so close to gluten free items). 

NOT Gluten Free

Gluten Free

Now, while I admit the packages aren't exactly the same, who the Hell names
themselves one letter off from another retailer and then sells freezer bread that looks similar?!  
For several reasons I’ve been gluten free for close to 5 years.  But, because I’m not celiac, and don’t have an instantaneous reaction to eating gluten or cross-contaminated foods, I’m not as careful as I should be and don’t realize how the effects can build up over time.  During the same week as my ER visit, I had 2 migraine headaches (something that hadn’t happened in 3 years) and developed 4 acne cysts (something that hadn’t happened in at least 2 years).  Since getting back on my gluten free diet, plus the miracle seed chia (thanks to my friend who saved the day on that one) and other herbal supplements, things are moving along fine - if ya know what I mean ;-) – and all of the other “symptoms” have disappeared.

      3)   If your child comes to you with a wart, she WILL do a pretend barf sound when you tell her she needs to put Oregano and Lemon Oil on it.

The Superego with all her bare feet and gymnastics developed a wart on her foot.  When I consulted an essential oil fanatic friend about what to do, I laughed when she told me.  But, in the interests of keeping an open mind (and also driving HfH nuts with all my witch doctor shenanigans), I decided to give it a go.  You decide if it worked:

Even I couldn't believe it did the trick.  This did take a month to go down and there is still a tiny little bump, but I wasn't as regular as I should have been with the application (twice a day).
     4)   Just say no to the peer pressure to get a flu shot!

Last year, for the first time in a decade I did not inoculate the kids or myself against the flu.  I have read too much research about the ill effects of the shots, how they are preserved and what’s in them.  Though I know some will vehemently disagree with me about whether this is wise, we came through last season unscathed, and as another flu season starts, I plan to pump all of us full of the same oil blends and Echinacea from last year.  Of course, you all can laugh and say "nee ner, nee ner" if I’m wrong, and trust me, I’ll out myself.

    5)   Mildew doesn’t actually magically leave the shower on it's own, even if you ask it nicely! 

In our shower for about a month we had THIS

Oh don't be so disgusted, you know you've done it!!!  Of course, I kept thinking “that can’t be mold or mildew, can it?”  DUH!!!  Of course it was.  So, I researched for natural remedies to mold and mildew and within a few minutes and a little elbow grease involving HfH's toothbrush (oh, wait, did I say that out loud?!) I mean . . .

A little bit of Lemon and OnGuard oil, the mold and mildew was gone.  It's been about 2 months and it's just now coming back (so much for keeping on top of it like I promised myself I would!!!)

      6)   When your boobs swell to twice their current size, before giving your husband a heart attack and running to the store for an EPT, check to see if you have PMS (during which time HfH has learned to simply pretend I’m an alien life form who needs space until she returns to her home planet-I’m pretty sure in a couple of years when the girls suffer this too, HFH is going to have an emergency business trip once a month).

It’s taken 3 years, 2 ultrasounds and 1 mammogram to figure out I have a very small cyst in my left breast that my western doctor wanted to treat by putting me on birth control.  I may be a bit overzealous, but with a friend who’s had breast cancer before 40 and another who’s had bloodclots before 35, I don’t have any desire to take that route.  So, on the advice of my amazing acupuncturist/nutritionist Emily, I began taking Black Currant Oil regularly and every time I run out or don’t take it religiously, the problem returns.  I have no idea why Black Currant works, but apparently it helps treat inflammation and hormonal imbalances.  Unfortunately for HfH I’m not on a dose potent enough to rid my body of PMS Poltergeist Mommy, but while I’m on it, I have what we’ll affectionately call saggy boob syndrome.   I’ve heard there’s a cure for that!  Gonna look into that this week!!

Until then, you can check out the DoTerra essential oils for yourself at  In the search box enter your ailment or issue and see what comes up.  Here are a few other things I’ve used the oils for:

     1)   Peppermint to reduce a fever and treat indigestion;

     2)   An oil blend called Past Tense to get rid of headaches;  

     3)   A blend called Serenity that I swear to you will take you instantly to your happy place so you can face your children (it could have been a combination of that and Skinny Girl . . . I can’t recall).  Actually, seriously, if I put that oil on my hands and inhale (and for all you glue sniffers out there, this is a perfect alternative), it is like I’ve gone to heaven.

     4)   An oil blend called On Guard to numb sore throats and clear up or ward off colds and other viruses.  I even have a toothpaste and hand soap.  You can also use this as a hand sanitizer.  It smells like potent cinnamon.  Even BFF Molly can attest to this one.  

     5)   Lavender and Melaleuca are used for just about anything, including general ailments such as scrapes, bruises, cuts, burns, etc.

And finally, as I've been on my own journey I've met some pretty cool peeps along the way.  One in particular, is a triathlete (she’s a legit triathlete, I just fake one on this blog) who has used a holistic approach to overcome M.S.  She has 4 kids and is amazing.  If you’re still not a believer, you need to check out her blog and story.

If you have any “witch doctor” treatments you’d like to share, please do tell.  I'd love to know them so that I can keep HfH guessing!

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