Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Labor of . . .

. . . Love, Exhaustion, Pride, Exasperation, Joy, Exhaustion, Laughter . . . did I mention Exhaustion?!

So as I reflect on my Labor Day (which, by the way, the irony is not lost on me that any day where the children are home from school is a “labor” day), it also occurred to me that we labor to bring them into this world, we labor to entertain them, we labor to clean up after them, we labor to educate them . . . hell, as I see it, EVERY day is Labor Day!!!!

And, all this time while I’ve been thinking that if I can just get them to 18 and out of my house, I can breathe a big sigh of relief.  And then, I turned on my TV and saw . . .

Now that I’ve had time to recover from my nightmares and remove all the teddy bears from my house (which, by the way, now rank on the “scare the sh*t out of me” scale right up there with Clowns and Chucky Dolls), I realized that behind that “child” is a parent who tweeted how proud he is of his daughter.  So then I thought well, if we can give awards to people who’s greatest accomplishment is that they have proven to their parents and the world that they Can’t Be Tamed, we really should have awards for the people who started it all.

And that, my friends, is how I landed on formalizing what I’m going to call the Parent Of The Year awards.  Of course, as I came to this epiphany, I remembered that The Nana has a “custody file” that is thicker than a Harry Potter book, and therefore I should probably explain the criteria for these awards just so that everyone is clear about how you can earn one.  These are no ordinary awards!!

Here is how you know that YOU might be eligible for a P.O.T.Y award (and again, one has to appreciate the irony that the acronym just happens to remind us of all the sh*t we put up with – figuratively and literally) by the way, as you read these, you need to imagine that Jeff Foxworthy is saying them in his “You Might be a Redneck” voice:

      1) If you’ve ever dropped your kids off at their afternoon activities and then gone to the frozen yogurt shop simply because you wanted a treat and didn’t want to have to get one for the kids, only to find out that is the one day that your best friend’s daughter’s girl scout troop is having a field trip at the frozen yogurt shop . . . You might be eligible for a P.O.T.Y. award.  

      What are the f*&%ing odds that the one day I go by myself to try and sneak a treat, I am caught by the one person who will innocently mention it to my kids and then I’m busted?!  D@MNIT!!  No playdates with her for a while!!!

This, of course, is a photo from a totally different day.
I just wanted there to be proof in the custody file that I do actually give the children
ice cream most of the time!!  This, of course, is Cherry ice cream!!!!

     2)  If you’ve ever gone to the beach and realized all three of your children ages 6 to 11 are shaving their legs . . . You might be eligible for a P.O.T.Y. award.  We've covered this one before, but it deserves a second mention.  Seriously, what parent doesn’t notice when all three of her children are taking sharp objects to their legs????!!!!  

We need to go back to this age when the only thing that mattered was who got what color horse!
Look at those cute babies - who now have such bad PMS that I actually filmed an argument they had this evening.  If I didn't think they'd kill me in my sleep, I'd post it!  Haaaaa!
     3) If you’ve ever had your “baby” repeat the rules of the house and this is what she says “Rule number 2 . . . Don’t put your fingers in places where you can’t see . . . and that includes body parts” . . . and, of course, your child is talking about her nose, but you can’t help but have the Beavis and Butthead reaction and you laugh so much you cry . . . You might be eligible for a P.O.T.Y. award.

     4) If your husband comes home and asks “Why is there furniture on top of the playhouse?!” and you actually can’t tell him how it got there . . . You might be eligible for a P.O.T.Y. award.  

And the act that will ensure your P.O.T.Y. status for this year, and years to come . . .

      5) If you’ve ever had to erase your children’s Kindle Fires which includes erasing all of the games they have played (including all the levels they’ve reached that took them months to attain) because in addition to their own content, they had access to ALL of the naughty books that you have purchased over the last few months . . . You might be eligible for a P.O.T.Y. award. 

      Oh yes my friends, in order for me to remove my naughty books (of which there were at least 10) from the children’s Kindles we had to open new accounts for them and this meant completely erasing all their content and starting fresh (because of course, there was no way in hell mommy was willing to erase HER content).  And a bonus award would go to you if the way you found out that your children had this content on their Kindles was when the baby said to you “mommy, I really like that book cover that has the grey tie on it”, OR, when your middle child says to you “mommy, I need to erase all these books, I really don’t like them on my Kindle”.  I didn’t have the stomach to ask whether she’d figured out how to read them or not!!!!  We’re just going to pretend the answer is no.

      So in conclusion, while I still believe that the Cyrus’ deserve the lifetime achievement P.O.T.Y. award, I’m certain I’m on their heels.

ESPECIALLY when I'm already contending with the ID!!!!
      Now, if you are like me and you need something to make you feel better about your parenting skills, you MUST check out Modern Dads on A&E TV.  Lets just say there might be some duct tape that they’ve used as a means of “babyproofing” their electrical outlets.  And that’s only the beginning. It is laugh out loud funny!!

      Oh, and as I've been promising for a while (Nana and Grandma, close your eyes), here are THREE naughty trilogies that in my opinion are BETTER than 50 shades.  These are in order of which I like, with the best one first:

      1) Stark Trilogy by J.Kenner - I loved this series so much I actually wrote a "fan note" to the author and she WROTE ME BACK!!!  Yes, I am very lame, but she now has my unending devotion.  She also told me that in December there will be a novella continuing the series that is only available in an e-book version.  Guess what momma's gettin' for Christmas!!!

      2) The Blackstone Affair by Raine Miller - this will also have a 4th installment in e-book version coming out at the end of 2013.  How can you not love a series, the first book of which just hits you between the eyes with the title "Naked"!

      3) Crossfire Series by Sylvia Day - This series had me at the first mention of the hero's name - Gideon!  

      So, until our next Runamuk P.O.T.Y. moment (or the Nana follows through on her custody threat), I'm off to enjoy my library card (because Husband from Heaven has put me on a Kindle time out)!!!
      And, of course, if you’ve had your own P.O.T.Y. moment (that you’re willing to admit publicly), I’d love to hear it!!!!

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