Saturday, January 14, 2012

Rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic . . .

This is what my husband calls my attempts to spring clean our house.  And, he’s right!  It’s mid-January and I’m sure you all were thinking I had given up on my blog.  Nope, I’ve just been buried under a huge pile of Dugdale sh*t that came out of our house.  For the better part of the last two weeks I have been cleaning every single drawer, cabinet, closet, children’s hiding place, and I’m still not done.  BUT, those parts that I have finished, look FANTASTIC and now I feel like I’m ready to start the year fresh.  I have fun plans for the blog and for family fun, and now that I’m organized and know where all the crayons and craft supplies are, watch out my friends . . . Family Fun 2012 is going to be underway beginning Monday!
But, before we get to that, here’s what I learned about cleaning your “literal” house (i.e. your actual house) so that you can clean out your “proverbial” house (i.e. your cluttered mind):
1)      I need a hobby.  I am extremely dangerous with this much free time on my hands. 

Our SUBURBAN was stuffed floor to ceiling with only room for the baby and my husband to ride in it!  HOW do we accumulate this much sh*t?!

2)      Always strip search the baby.  Otherwise, you MAY find that the only way you locate your missing bra is when you clean out her room and find it in her bed.  Girlfriend has been practicing wearing her bikini top as a bra.   I think she just wanted to work her way up to the real thing.  Sadly, my boobs are so small now that the bra probably would have fit her.  Lets just cross our fingers I don’t get a “Dear Mrs. Dugdale” note about the Id wearing a bra to school.

Oh, and I finally found my missing car keys that the baby had put in a bag in HER SISTER’S ROOM!  So, now the child is not only stealing things, she’s setting up her sisters to take the fall.  Little sh*t!

3)      Husbands should not be allowed to check the mail.  Otherwise, you may discover that every time he receives a coupon for a cleaning supply at Costco, he buys them. . . regardless of whether you actually use them.  I found 3 HUGE cans of Lysol and 8 tubs of Clorox sanitizing wipes.  We could actually sanitize the girls’ entire school and still have some left over for ourselves.  Husband from Heaven’s coupon privileges are revoked!

4)      Sometimes you need to take a break and get a glass of wine.  Otherwise, you may find that on day 3 you leave the following note for your children in the crayon box:

"If you put anything other than a crayon in this box, I will find out and I will take away your birthday.  Love, Mommy xoxo"

Seriously, this is WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY more crayons than any three children need!

5)      When you remove items from under your bed, make sure that they weren’t actually holding the bed up.  The night I removed all the boxes from under our bed, we had a little mishap and lets just say that we have been sleeping on the mattress on the floor for the last 5 days!  I know you all would love to see what the bed looks like, but a picture of our boudoir may push Husband from Heaven over the edge.  I’ve probably already gotten my blog privileges revoked and it’s only the second week of January.

6)      Hell hath no fury like a momma who has just spent the better part of two weeks cleaning up her children’s sh*t only to find the messes that they have created in 15 minutes or less.  I think I may have frightened the neighbor child when he saw my reaction to the girls having:
a.       Hidden snack wrappers behind the couch
b.      Left orange peels in the upstairs loft AND
c.       Gotten into the craft paint and decided to use the bowls from the kitchen to be a paint palette
Currently the baby has not one toy or stuffed animal in her room.  She has to earn them back.  The other two promptly cleaned up and put in the proper place every single toy in their rooms for fear I’d come after their rooms!
Seriously, anyone have any hobby recommendations?!  J
Recommendation for today – definitely find the time to clean out your entire house.  You will thank yourself for it.  BUT, only do it after the children have gone away to college and can’t make additional messes while they are at home.  It’s like taking 3 steps forward and 12 back with those little f*&#ers . . . I mean perfectly wonderful angels . . . in the house while this process is commencing!
Happy New Year everyone!  Now it’s time for the fun to begin.

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