Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Confessions of a Multi-tasking mommy - Back to School Edition

School has been back in session for a little over a month, and fall is officially upon us.  So here’s the question I have - who’s the joker who made the one time you REALLY need a drink, the same time that you HAVE to drive your kids all over creation?!

Yeah, and the smart@$$ who named 5-7pm “Happy Hour” has never had to drive 3 children to 3 different activities in 3 different locations ALL AT THE SAME TIME beginning at 5 and ending at 7!  It occurs to me now that it should still be called the witching hour!  You know that time everyone prepares you for when the kids were babies and all holy hell would break loose and they would cry inconsolably for 2 hours.  Now that they are older, all holy hell still breaks loose, but it’s actually mommy who spends that two hours WANTING to cry inconsolably!!

So here’s what mommy has learned about back to school survival, and how to keep on adding to the Nana's custody file:

     1)   After having drunk a glass of Skinnygirl, DO NOT try to understand your sixth grader’s math homework.  I seriously had to take a picture of it because I looked at it and thought I was looking at ancient Chinese writing!  And lets not kid ourselves, mommy would have felt the same way with or without any alcohol!
The Superego spent 10 minutes trying to explain that whole thing to me!!!  Still don't get it.

      2)   Drinking Skinny Girl will actually not keep you skinny if you follow that up with 3 mini chocolate muffins and 5 handfuls of Chocolate covered Boy Scout popcorn (no, NOT chocolate covered Boy Scouts, their f*#&ing popcorn that they sell for $95 for 3 kernels).

$20 for that f*#&ing bag with maximum 5 handfuls in it.  Trust me, I know!!!
And yes Tammie, I know I violated our friendship by purchasing from someone
else first.  BUT, I promise I'll buy from your sons too!!  
      3)   When your 2nd grader brings you her “iPad Acceptable Use Policy”, you really should send her teacher a note stating “I’m sorry, I’m not qualified to sign this seeing as how right now I am using an iPhone that looks like this . . . “

Thank Heaven for Husband from Heaven who bought mommy a new GOLD iPhone 5S for her birthday.  And by the way, WTF is the deal with a gold one vs. a silver one?!  Right now it's in a purple case so mommy doesn't have a repeat performance of crushed iPhone face.  Who gives a sh*t what the back of it looks like?!  Next time they need to make the face gold.  DUH!!!

If they made me sign one of these, I'd never make it out of the Apple store!! 
4) As you are driving the mom taxi, you may hear these priceless quotes:

The Ego explaining how to deal with a bully:
            Ego – “When a bully puts you in a headlock . . . “
            Id – “You cry like a little girl”.

The Id on distractions:
            “You know what doesn’t help me concentrate?  Candy and boys!!”

I swear they said this.  I cannot make this sh*t up!!!   And I was laughing so hard at the “cry like a little girl” comment I couldn’t even gather myself together enough to tell her what she really should do.  Thankfully the Ego had that one handled with some good karate move suggestions!!

      5)   When you have your kids use Mad Libs to learn verbs, adjectives, nouns, etc.  Make sure you monitor the words they select.  Otherwise, you may walk in on this conversation:

Second grade Id: “I need a noun”.

Sixth grade Superego: “Vodka”

Mom who’s about to slap sixth grader: “Seriously, you have to give her that word? DO NOT repeat that Id.”

Of course, I wish I could find the Mad Lib that showed how that sentence turned out, but guess what I found out when I went looking through the MadLibs

 I have absolutely no words for the inappropriateness of this, only to say that the Nana just called CPS and HfH just revoked all privileges for the Superego.  Some Sh*t is going to hit the fan when I pick her up from school in 30 minutes!

Anyone have the phone number for Cotillion?!  We're going to need that!!

       6)   And finally, the piece de resistance . . . when you catch your oldest child forging her father’s signature on homework, the following MAY NOT be the most effective parenting technique:

Mommy:       “Don’t think I’m stupid sister, I used to forge the Nana’s signature all the time, so I know exactly what you are up to.”

Child who is smarter than mommy:       “Well, if you got away with it, why can’t I?”

Mommy (thinking to herself):       D@mnit, I have nothing to say other than, ‘be sneakier next time so you don’t get caught’.  Instead, I said “bummer for you!” 

Just remember, if you send a 6:15pm hail Mary text to your girlfriends expressing just how much the wheels have fallen off, within seconds you will have one person who will confess she’s already opened a bottle of Skinnygirl and two others who will make you feel better because you know you will beat them to the Skinnygirl punch by at least ½ hour.  Girlfriends are the best!!

Not that I'm the best person to give parenting advice, but here are a few items I've found helpful this back to school season:

1) iallowance app.  I've mentioned this one before and it is brilliant.  Not only can I track each of the girls' allowance, we track birthday money, charity money, time that they might owe me (for wasting my time or staying up past lights out), stars they might earn for good behavior, and on and on.  It's amazing, and you can bet your @$$ I'm going to use it to deduct from the Superego's allowance $1 for each of the inappropriate words in those MadLibs.

2) 100 Days of Real Food just did a great post about school lunches!  Love this blog.

3) Mad Libs app.  The kids love playing with this app on my phone.  Just don't let them out of your earshot, or have consequences for inappropriate word use!!  It's a fun way to engage in conversation and funny topics.

I am still looking for a great internet control software.  Net Nanny was suggested to me, but I'm open to suggestions if anyone has one.

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