Monday, May 14, 2012

Mommy, we need a real maid . . .

. . . is what the baby says to me the other day.  My response “what, the one who sacrificed her body for you, cleaned up the sh*t off your butt, and to this day doesn’t gag when you throw up on her is not a ‘real’ maid?!”  Ok, maybe I didn’t say “sh*t” to her, but I was close!!  In her defense, she was making this statement right in the middle of having to make her lunch, and we all know how the “fake” maid feels about making lunches.

While the baby’s putting together the job description for the real maid, I’ve asked her to prepare one for a cruise director, personal trainer, chef, personal shopper, and while we’re at it, why don’t we add a seamstress whose sole job it is to sew on all the f*&%ing girl scout badges onto all THREE of their vests.

In the meantime, since all of those jobs have not been outsourced, I’ve been a bit behind in my writing. 
So today, as we all prepare for summer adventures, I thought I'd share our adventure last week to Disneyland.  The Superego (my oldest child) turned a DECADE old.  By the way, how the hell did that happen?!  I’m still 16, how do I have a kid who’s now counting her age in decades?!  For this 10th birthday we were smoking crack and decided to take her and a friend to Disneyland.  We even convinced my sister and both sets of grandparents to join us on this crazy adventure.

Here’s what I learned when the adults outnumber the kids at the Happiest Place on Earth:

1)      DO NOT, under ANY circumstances, read the nutrition information on the back of a Mickey Mouse ice cream bar!  Holy sh*t, they pack 70% of your USRDA of saturated fat into just one of those ears.  I was in the happiest place on earth eating the happiest ice cream treat on earth until the government and their warning labels came and crapped on my ice cream!!!  I still enjoyed every last bite of it, but I’m convinced that because of that ice cream bar I almost sank during my swim workout yesterday!

2)      ALWAYS make sure that you have built into the schedule a grandparents wine break at 2pm.  You can do this at the same time you allow for a whine break for the kids.  I think when we said we were going to Bugs Land, that’s when my father conveniently used the excuse of his sleeping granddaughter (my sister’s 1 year old) as the reason for some “downtime”.

You can't see child #4 in that car, but somehow we cornered Nana into riding Alice in Wonderland with all the kids!

3)      Who knew that Disneyland is the driest place on earth.  There is no alcohol to be found anywhere in that park.  How it took me this long to realize that I’m not sure, but California Adventure, is a whole different story.  See #2.  It is definitely a “Whole New World” when the decision is made that drunk people on California Screamin' is a good idea, but providing alcohol in the park with It’s a Small World is not!
This picture was too good to pass up.  What you can't see is how much I had to bribe the children to smile!!!
We of course had a great, but exhausting weekend.  Momma's ready for a nap. 
I have one recommendation . . . if you visit Disneyland, use the Disneyland touring plans app –  We managed to finish the entire park before 5pm based on their recommendations of getting fast passes, etc.  Made for a lot of traversing the park, but very short wait times.


  1. Sounds exhausting! and HOLY shit! You take your kids to Disneyland for their birthday? Wow. My kids are so abused. They've never been to either of the happiest places on earth. There are only a handful of states farther away than we are, it would totally be a family vacation...if we could ever afford it.

  2. Hope you don't mind - I tagged you on my blog for an 11 Question blogger ice breaker.
    Would love to see your answers!