Friday, March 30, 2012

I've found the root of all evil . . .

. . . and her name is IVY!  This week’s mission . . . a little TLC for the outside of the house which meant taking on a bee hive as well as the Ivy growing on the side of our house.  Of course, the unpacking fun for me ended early last night because I had to go to bed at 9:00 – not because I was tired necessarily, but because the allergy medication kicked in following my BEE STING.  On the bright side, yesterday I found my contact lenses and the silverware.  The downside . . . I seem to have lost the box with my contact lenses, so I still can’t find those, but we’re no longer eating with our hands.   Seriously, where’s Calgon when I need her . . . probably in a box somewhere in the living room!!  I couldn't take a bath anyway because it's full of boxes.

Here’s what I learned when your house could not BEE a bigger pain in the @$&!!!

1)      Ivy is to a house what lice is to a human . . . full of bugs, impossible to kill, and sends any person trying to take it on to the loony bin!  Luckily, most of it came off in sheets, like a carpet, but those f*&#ing roots are still all around the house!  I would seriously douse it in gasoline if it didn't mean the house would go up as well.  I guess I’ll have to keep looking for that solution – by the way, any and all suggestions are welcome!!!

2)      When you go to “stay at home mommy college”, do they teach you about being the Master Gardner?  I think I missed that lesson.  I’ll be d@mned if I am not out there with a pruning saw taking all this sh*t off the house by myself while Husband from Heaven is “bringing home the bacon” from his desk chair.  When I went to law school, this was NOT how I envisioned spending my days!!  And yes, every SAHM (Stay at Home Mom) I talk to verifies that you are the Chef, housekeeper, master gardener, errand girl, and on and on.  This is why they don’t have “Stay at Home mommy college”, isn’t it?!  No one in their right mind would apply for that job if they knew all this up front!!!

3)      When you are having bees removed from your house (and in our case, that would “bee” from the inside living room wall), and you warn your children to stay back, you may want to also do as you say!!  Holy Sh*t – this is what came out of our wall, and that’s only one piece of the GIANT hive; AND, I’ll be damned if one of those little f*&#ers didn’t come out of nowhere and get me on the ankle.  D@MN that hurt.

My "new" living room wall
4)      If, on day 10 you have endured a bee hive, strangling Ivy, a satellite dish that can’t be installed because the installer “can’t find the right wires” and ergo you’ve missed two weeks of The Voice, you are still using your phone for internet because you can’t get internet at your house, and your children have continued to make the enormous messes they always have, you WILL send the children on an errand with your husband and you will be at the kitchen table BY YOURSELF with a glass of wine.  Oh, but did I mention that we couldn’t find a corkscrew . . .
Yes, those are screws in the top of the cork that he pulled it out with.  Sometimes it pays to have an engineer husband!
Moral for today – pack the wine opener in your purse!

1 comment:

  1. This had me rolling! The wine opener is my favorite! And how in the heck did the bees get inside the living room wall??

    Hoping that glass was even better because of the chaos of the day!

    -Tiffany from Mom's Daily Zen